2000-08-15
Today I woke up at 4am, I guess that was kinda silly. I got up and went for a run, a long one, almost two hours, I guess it helped collect my thoughts. Thats a long time to collect thoughts.
I thought about alot of things, about the past, about the present but not about the future, I am sick of talking about the future. Fuck next year and fuck plans,, and fuck the hope of future employment,, I have goals,, but maybe I don't want to share them with every Frankie in this goddamn city. This city is too small, I run into people who I know too much. The prospect of starting a new life is looking good, but then again, isolation is an evil, an evil I could deal with for a while but an evil all the same.
Carter came to mind this morning,, my first best friend, he was great, we did everything together. He was nerdy and little and smaller than the other boys, if he was a pig he'd be the runt of the little. he was runty but he was fun. He goes to some boys school now,, all wanky,, maybe down south somwhere, and someone told me he's gay. I hope he is happy, we were great pals. He gavde me a bright red umbrella with blue and yellow ballons on it for my 7th birthday, then he moved away. I guess I could be all angsty now and say all the special people have moved away, but that is balls.
Though in a way it isn't balls, it seems I have lost leah, my closest little compatriate, I hope she'll come back to me soon. It's funny I feel like a mother who's child has gone roaming to greenier (in this case punkier and snomballier) territory. I love her. I hope she is well and is eating something and not putting chemicals into her arms.
I am going to write an essay now, on post modern art, I don't have much an idea moreso an inkling that may spurlge into an essay,, or a ramble.
I just want to be the girl with a handful of stars who can reach into her pocket and be granted the world. .