2000-08-20
Today I have come to the relaisation that I have things, many things inside me, feelings that remain for people that I dodn't think did, and feelings I never knew existed.
So I broke my promise I called Colin but only after he had been msging me all the rehearsals today, I gave in on the way home and called. He was sick he claimed, we didn't chat for long. I don't think I feel anything for him, but I do,, our conversation was stilted party because I felt guilty about calling him and party because he was sick. So I left it hanging, there is nothing there I guess, ahh I don't want anything there I guess too.
I'm being horribly teenage and full of crap!! I hate it when I get like this and over contemplate life and what is happening,, chicks do that alot thought I guess, over anayle stuff, but when it all comes down to it you gotta teel yourself
a kiss means nothing
a fuck means even less
and yeah this is cynical and garbage but it's the truth, think like a man and you'll never be hurt, I'm not as open to hurt now, but still a little bit sneaks in. Ahh to be so shiny and bright in armour and things couldn't touch me at all!!!
I relaised today that I have feelings for Marty, big time. I guess I have always flirted with him wven since we first met, but out relationship is purely platonic but filled with sexual comments, laughter and flirting. We must have a pure business type relationship cause a radio station is too small a place for a romatic one and added to that he is so wrong for me. I guess Gavin was wrong for me too, but we tried and that has just fucked up our whole working realtionship. Business is Business. Thats not saying that I wound't mind being with Marty, not being being with him but hangingout more, he a good guy but I'm not sure if his intintions are pure. Probably not, probably just looking to add another notch to his belt. I hope thats not the case, this thing that I have for him is getting hard to keep inside.
Then there is Marshall, but there is nothign there, and I don't think there ever will be. He just doesn't know how to treat a girl and how to give her attention. He's just too immature, but I have pursuded him so much lately, I guess he's alluring because he acts so disinterested but then again maybe he is just that disinterested, he doesn't want a girl at all, hes happy messing round with his friends,, and thats fine I guess, I don't need someone who needs to grow up.
What I ma looking for is a true relationship with feeling and with emotion. I stong one with a man who isn't afraid to see my cry and sin't afraid to hold me. I just want someone to hold me in the rain, and laugh with me. I want to be the centre of someone's world again, and I want to be the centre of theirs. I wish to be happy and I wish to share someone's happiness.
These things can't get the better of me, I have too much to do. I wish these undesirable feelings would dissapear and leave me feeling like me,, not empty like I am now.
In retrospect this is the biggest splurging of emotional crap and no one should be subjected to it, But I'm not going to remove it. It's teenage so fucking sue me .