2001-02-21
"The boy most likely and the girl most lovely" Lucksmiths
Tonight's soundtrack : Lucksmiths
Tonight's Nail colour: Cherry Poppin Red
The mood: A confused world
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I stayed at Mr X's place last night and although it was all fine as I was walking to the train this morning I got sad.
In the short 10 mins it took me to walk there I realised that he doesn't love me and he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him.
It took me time to mentally and emotionally commit to this relationship but once I am commited thats the way it is and more often than not I fall madly in love with the other. I took a while but now I am completly with him, he is like home to me.
Maybe he doesn't want to be home. He was so eager and loving form the start, maybe now he is begginning to wane and to fall out of love with me.
Or Maybe he was never in love with me at all. He is still very tender, wrapping me into bed last night, making sure I was warm, yet didn't move from bed as I showered and gathered my things together. I left with just a kiss and a reminder to call him later.
I walked into the hazy sunlight and the brisk air and felt completly alone. Like I had no one in the entire world. the feeling grew as a stepped ont the crowded rush hour train and then onto Uni where I spoke to not a soul and stared at a projection for 2 hrs.
I feel the arguments X and I had last week were more crucial and cutting than I though they were. I merly thought that I was having an emotional detachment and I felt neglected and I simply aired that. Yet he is not willing to let go and has really kept me at arms length since, yet only when we are alone because when we are out he is more than happy to kiss me and show me off to his workmates.
Thats why I start to think that he doesn't love me at all, and he doesn't find me atractive anymore and he doesn't want to be with me.
I don't know what to do,, and for the first time in a long time that statement is completly true.
I just don't know
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