2001-05-21
*sniffle*
and in the end I will not be a rockstar, I will not be a household name, a commodity or telemall shopping advert at 3:30 am on a Tuesday night.
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You know there is a realisation that perhaps your life is planned out with success and failure perfectly concocted like a beutiful seamless recipe.
My life is starting to look that way and I never wanted it to be. I thought that going to UNiversity woiuld end all this mundane and I would be in this frantic mess. Then I realised that my life has always been a frantic mess.
Like who goes out to get videos and ends up 40 mins away on the coast drinking and dancing to a cover band at the casino?
I like this mess I have created, it is mess but a static mess that is frantic but also very stable and comfortable.
What is not comfortable is that my parents have sold our house. I liked this house. It's like an old worn shoes that fits just right and when nothing else goes it's there to make you feel happy and warm.
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What scares me is that in school I never recived really good marks for my writing. Infact my English teacher jarred me and said I could never write well strcuted arguments and articles.
Here I am doing a largely Journalism course. And right now I am getting top marks. It just showed, I went out on a limb with this Journalism, like noone had ever fostered it in me and told me I was good. I just went out and belived in my heart.
Imagine if I had belived in my heart from when I was a small child. I could have become a child actor, artist, musician.
I don't want children but If it ever happens and chances are that maybe light years away it will. I am going to atke them to sports games, plays, concerts, galleries. Expose them to everything the world has to offer and then if they choose to do soemthing or nothing at all at leats I have tried. And then their choice to do nothing will be a valid one...
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If you could see the way I see, maybe the world will glue to fit together better
.