2001-10-14
"And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make" The Beatles.
Tonights Music: Old Whitlams
Tonight's Mood: Ultimate lonliness
Yesterday was livid. I can only bring myself to write about it now.
IN the crowd of about 40 000 I felt completly alone. I was meant to have something in comon with these people, sure I knew there was going to be some drop outs there but, not about 39 996.
I tried getting drunk.
THis only made it worse.
It was like being at UNI all over again,. when you walk into a room and see that there is no one like you present, no one that you can relate to, no one who is genuine, honest and lovely.
Being at UNI except I had taken the day off work and paid to be there.
Seeing Miss Marni and Annaki at their merch stalls just made it worse. It made me long for them, it made me hurt.
It was Me. All alone because the people I had come with had other interests.
It was Nerf Herder making me cry they were so bad I walked away before the end of their set.
Nerf Herder the one band I thought could make me love, no. How wrong I was.
After missing Darren hanalon I walked up to Annaki;s stall and told her I was leaving. It was only 4pm.
I gave it one last walk around the main arena, one last vodka, and then left.
I was in a bit of a state.
I was fighting back tears on the train, the last insult was my parents driving right past me as I was walking home,
Total rejection.
Tears rolled down my cheeks just like in the movies.
For once my mother took pity on me and held me for the next few hours while I cried. I don't think she understood that it wasn't dissapointmet in the day, in the actual event, nor the people moreso that every place I go in my life right now seems to be a sample space for the next except when I am with my friends.,
Work is lonely, uni is lonely, livid is lonely.
It just seems that I encounter the same people everywhere, that this city is way too small and although I already knew this, at certain times lately it has become too much to bear.
There are always the obligatory girls who play dumb to get the girls, the boys who play up to these dumb girls, the hippies, the drop outs and the usual 14 yr old lust filled beings with too many hormones and not enough sense.
It;s not even that.
It's just that I felt completly alienated from everyone there, a feeling that was concocted by everyday sentiment added with vodka and a sense of pure loss of spirit.
I was on a island. All by myself. With no one of comfort to make it better.
I just want it all to be like I am with my friends, It seems that only a handful of people actually understand me and we can relate to each other.
My dad said last night 'when you find that someone megan you grab onto them with both hands and never let go'.
And that was it.
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That said, there was 3 glimmers of hope early on in the day. These have managed to stay with me as I try to rebuild myself for the coming week.....
* Sekiden. Opening act. LOvely as always, Looking lovely, being bouncy and fresh and always have my heart. ohh and Simon got a look in in the sunday paper, and doesn't he looking darling!!
* gerling. Brilliant. Enough said. I danced. Looked at 2 very decent boys in the crowd.
* Alex. darlingalex (who has a diary under this name) came up and said hey. I was genuinly surprised and pleased. She gave me hope. She looked great. And made me realise that there is another generation like me and annaki and Miss Marni. So alex, if you read this. Thank-you, your meeting was a saving grace, and I hope we can meet more indepth in the future.
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