2002-05-19
"Sleep your way out of your home town" Ladytron
It's such a peaceful happy weekend, and now it's sunday afternoon and I am agitated... too much sleeping and not enough act-tionnnn.
Friday night movie star party. I went dressed to resemble several dead actresses, and to some point pulled it off.. note: pin curls = sex.
Went and ate chinese take-out, with many Haagens and half a bottle of the offical wine of the Australian Cricket Team.... yes. thanks father for hoisting your unwanted christmas gift onto me on my way out the door.
Actually the Australian Cricket Team's wine of choice isn't so bad, then again after several imported beers, nothing is too bad.
There was an unusual mish mash of people, a whole bevvy of design students which made the night a little bit special and nice boys who constantly top up your glass.
Robert and I are writing a song with the working title of "Private School Boys in 'Indie' Rock Bands" at this stage it could go either way..
Now it's time for dutch cakes and tea with my grandma, she is slowly trying to teach me how to make these yummy little meaty parcels.... ohhh gush gush they are magical.... but difficult and require patience.. so we'll see.
this is not a feeling I want to write about or thrash down I don't want to sleep. I just want it to go away... but it hasn't. and why won't it. why am I so fucking lonely I want to start a fight, I want to feel something.. I want to shake. and I am exhaused, emotionally exhausted.. I am sick of waiting for confrontation, I am sick of this feeling of waiting... I want him to slip away and he won't. I hate how the memories dance in my head.. so vivid, and how I hate him. I am rattled.. I am dissapointed. I am lonely. parts of my brain are dying. why arn't I enough? why aren't I complete. how I hate the way sentiment turns into dissapointment and misty eyes.. the way I still cry.. I just want that feeling back. I havn't seen my best friend in one week. soon it'll slip into two and then 3 and then it'll be my birthday.... I miss the summer. I am isolated out here, I skipped classes all week and sat by the beach hoping to find what I was looking for.. and it wasn't there. so where is it? is it within me? see I'm not what I need. I'm not what I need now. the scary part is not when you realise that isn't not in someone else, it never was, you just let it be. it's when it's not in you either. .